YOUR SUPER MARITAL HEALTH/THE TWENTY MOST OFTEN ASKED QUESTIONS IN A SEX CLINIC
In an attempt to relieve some of the anxiety and misunderstandings about solving sexual problems, and to illustrate the fourth perspective that underlies super marital sex, I present the twenty most frequent questions asked by spouses in my study. The questions express the innate wisdom and courage of-all of the patients, their vulnerability, and their infinite struggle to continue the development of their love maps and grapple with the complexities of marriage.
After reading and discussing the information and tests in the first nine chapters, practice being a sex-therapy team. Answer these together as if the person asking each question had consulted you in the sex clinic you built for yourselves in Chapter Eight.
Just before you get to the list, guess what is the number-one asked question, the single most often raised concern. It’s number one on this list of twenty. The other questions are not presented in any particular order, because they were raised at about equal frequency.
1. Why does he/she want more sex than I do?
The «frequency and interest» issue tops the list. The question may be asked in a variety of ways, such as «Why does he avoid me sexually?» or «Why am I so much more interested in sex than she is?» or «Why am I always the one who has to start it off or think of it?»
2. Why won’t he/she do oral love (fellatio/cunnilingus)?
3. Why does he/she have a «fetish» (for an object or activity)?
4. Why does or doesn’t he/she get turned on to pornography?
5. Why can’t I (he) slow down my (his) ejaculation?
6. Why can’t I (she) come quicker? (And why can’t I get and stay erect or wet?)
The «sexual reflex failure» questions were asked in many forms, but all contained the same concern for the breakdown or change in a natural sexual reflex, including pain in intercourse.
7. Why can’t she (I) come in intercourse?
8. Why can’t we come together?
9. Why does he/she talk (or not talk) during sex?
10. Why won’t she let me (why does he want to) have anal sex?
11. Are you sure he/she isn’t homosexual?
12. Why is sex so much better on vacation or when we are away from home?
13. How can I have sexual enjoyment when it goes against my religious principles or upbringing?
14. Is he/she having an affair (and that is why there is a sex problem)?
15. Can I ever get over the sexual abuse I experienced?
16. Does PMS (or other menstrual issues) affect sex?
17. Isn’t that sex fantasy sick?
18. Isn’t masturbation very bad (or very good) for you?
19. Why am I not sexually attractive to my spouse (or how could I ever be as sexually attractive as she/he would like)?
20. Is this normal? (Whatever «this» is.)
Even though it will take some time, sit down and try to answer each question out loud as a couple. Discuss it first before you give your answer. Keep your answer brief, related to the fourth perspective of super marital sex if you can, and be as direct as possible, if the question is too vague (and they all really are), restate it to a form you can answer.
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RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY – GENERAL INFORMATION
If you are considering reconstructive surgery, make sure you understand very clearly what can be achieved by it. Reconstructive surgery that surgeons are proud of is very disappointing for many patients. You are likely to be disappointed if you don’t find out beforehand exactly what sort of result you can expect, both in terms of appearance and of function. Ask to see ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos of patients who have had the proposed surgery. Remember that the appearance may be quite different when the part is being used or the position of the body is changed. For example, a reconstructed ‘lip’ that looks fine at rest may not move normally when you are talking. A reconstructed ‘breast’ that looks fine when the woman is clothed and standing up may look quite peculiar when she is naked and lying down. Ask exactly where you will be cut and how long the scars will be. For example, many patients asking about breast reconstruction are surprised to find that they will be left with a very long scar on their back. Often the normal breast is reduced in size to make it easier to match the reconstructed one. Ask about the function of the reconstructed part. For example, a reconstructed ‘breast’ and ‘nipple’ do not have the same sensitive nerve endings as a normal breast and nipple. Parts of them are likely to actually be numb or tingly. Obviously a reconstructed ‘breast’ cannot produce milk like a normal breast. Ask whether the reconstructed part will alter with time—can the tissues shrink, for example.
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